Getting Over An with NLP & Hypnosis & Ex: Positive Living with Didi Vergados & Aida Memisevic

 

 

 Positive Living with Didi Vergados and Aida Memisevic Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), Hypnosis & Getting Over An Ex Transcript

 

Mike: This is Positive Living produced in conjunction with Positive Living and Red Fish Studios. And here’s your good buddy, Aida.

 

Aida: Hey everybody, oh my goodness, you’re going love the topic today. Sitting across from me, in front of the mic is Miss Didi Vergados. And Didi is an expert in hypnosis, right Didi? Yep and Didi actually has been on our TV show, positive living and today oh I love this subject Didi. This is all about in the area of sex and relationships and it’s about getting over an ex, powerful!!!

 

Didi: Absolutely and today we’re going to be giving you several strategies and techniques that will help you move true that in a way more efficient way.

 

Aida: Oh my goodness, that sounds very professional miss Didi.

 

Didi: Absolutely. Well Aida as you know like being in a relationship, whether it’s inevitably that we will be breaking up or whether you’re thinking about the process there can be a lot of hurt around that.

 

Aida: Yeah of course, absolutely, Now Didi is also a good friend of mine, I have to say one of the things I love about doing the podcast is I get to bring in my friends who happen to also be world class experts, many of the time. Alright so. I want to just sort of let’s look at the beginning of this whole process. So, when you’re getting over an ex there’s different scenarios. Sometimes its amicable, sometimes it’s devastating, sometimes they’ve lied and cheated on you, sometimes you both come to terms with the fact that it’s just not working out.  So, I guess every situation is a little bit different, would you say?

 

Didi: Absolutely.

 

Aida: Okay, so the mental techniques around how to do that I find really fascinating, because people can be left completely devastated and people could be left empowered and so it’s like when does one happen over the other.?

 

Didi: Well what we’re going be talking about today is how…and again as I said, move through it a lot faster and more efficiently. Because what tends to happen, is breakups can be hurtful and at the same time if you utilize  the information you’re going get, they can be a very fruitful experience that will allow you to use your learnings and have like a very sweet next relationship.

 

Aida: And it’s interesting, I think the way that you look at how you’re going to deal with the break-up is very, either empowering or disempowering.

 

Didi: Right. It’s a process  and if get stuck in the hurt it can literally hijack you and some people…we all know those people who for years and years and years they’re pining over an ex and they’re obsessed and they just can’t move forward.

 

Aida: Yeah, so I want to ask you something because you shared with me and you didn’t give any details of the information. But a client that you had that came into your office do you remember that gentleman you were saying but he was stuck with his girlfriend he was having different pictures, he was picturing and you got him through a pattern. Remember he was picturing all the positive things really big, if we talk about sub-modality. So. tell people about that. And just remember for people that are listening for the first time, again  here at positive living what we going do is just share with you information about how you’re running your brain and give you some strategies. It’s like brain boot camp. So, explain a little bit about what happened with this client of yours.

 

Didi: So let me tell you about this gentleman, because his situation was really interesting. He had a lot of high values, and the woman who he found himself obsessed with, but in a way knowing rationally that she wasn’t a good partner, because she had done many things to him. She had cheated on him, she used him for money. She was just not showing up in a good way in the relationship. The problem was that he said I’m always thinking about her and I can’t get her out of my head and I know- I know -I know- I shouldn’t be with her because she did not match him on the values levels. So what we did is…..

 

Aida: So, wait how long were they together then, for about?

 

Didi: You know I can’t quite recall. Maybe it was about a year.

 

Didi: But everything inside him was screaming like I can’t be with this person. Yet, he found himself strangely drawn to her.

 

Aida: Ok, so what was he doing explain the mental process?

 

Didi: I’m going explain exactly what he was doing with her. So, we looked at the way his brain was structuring the good feelings around her. So, I asked him, I said why don’t you come up with the five most memorable experiences. And I put him into a light trance so that he could really be focused and keyed in on that, and here’s what he saw. Now think about this in your mind’s eye.

 

Aida: Okay, so just as you’re explaining this with people listening. What you’re going explain is a little bit about how the brain is processing, let’s say information we’ll call it, and then how that connects to us emotionally. So you’re going explain a little bit about that.

 

Didi: Okay, so it was the way in which he was seeing the images of her. So, I had him choose the five most memorable events and then so I said, so when you see that in your mind’s eye, how big is, or small, is the picture? And he was saying, oh my God, it’s huge and I say well, huge, what do you mean by huge? Is it, the size of the screen in your mind’s eye? Is it larger than life? And he said, oh yeah, I see this really close up of her face and her smile, it’s her smile- it’s her smile I love to see her smile, I love to make her smile, it makes me so very happy. And he was basically seeing this picture larger than life of her smiling and that’s what made him feel good. And it was almost like he was striving to make this woman happy cause she was a very unhappy woman.

 

Aida: Okay. Okay, so if we were breaking this down, basically and we’ll explain to people a little bit about sub-modalities in the space of N.L.P Neuro-Linguistic Programming. So, he had a visual representation and the actual image. So, what you want to do, for everybody listening, take a look at how you are seeing the situation, right, and so he had a really big picture in front of him, right,  fully bright.

 

Didi: Yeah, bright, and this beaming smile.

 

Aida: Happy and smile, so he always connected to that picture of her right?

 

Didi: And made him feel good about her.

 

Aida: So now, what did you suggest that he do with that?

 

Didi: So, what we did was and you could literally see his eyebrows tensing as he did this. I said, turn it black and white.

 

Aida:  Okay, so take the picture of your mind, turn it black and white.

 

Didi: So, take all the color out of it make it a little bit more bland. And then shrink it down, like shrink it down to a tiny little thumbnail and then I said, and then just simply put it behind you in your past where it belongs.

 

Aida: And literally take it and put it behind you like it’s behind your head. So, this is really powerful what Didi is sharing right now is actually a technique that’s used a lot of times to be able to get over something that let’s say is disempowering you in some way. So, if you had this big beautiful bright picture that made him happy then he’s gonna be continuously connected to her. But if he could change the way he’s seeing it, make it black and white that’s very specific, shrink it down and put it behind you literally with that image, then that disconnects him emotionally from her, right?

 

Didi: Well, this was very unconscious for him understand that, because if it would been conscious, and a lot a things are…it’s the way our brain is structuring the information to us. Whether it comes in an image or a voice, some of us have that voice in our head you know, telling us certain things like; you can do it, or you’ll never be able to do it. So, it’s looking at how the structure of a person’s thinking and what was keeping him connected was seeing this big beautiful brimming smile that made him happy.

 

Aida:  Right, right. Okay, so if we’re talking about again, getting over an ex, what would you say are, let’s say three strategies? So this is one, where if you have a really big bright picture you can shrink it down make a black and white and put it behind you. What else can people do to try to support themselves from getting through the pain which, is really…

 

Didi: Well how about this, how about fall out of love?

 

Aida:  Oh, what does that mean?

 

Didi: Well what it means is, Richard Bandler who is the co-founder of NLP used to work in a woman’s shelter and he’d see these women come in battered, shriveling in a corner, they’re hugging their children and then they’d be determined, I’m not going back to him and you know, this is it, I’ve had it. Yet six weeks later, he’d find them back in the shelter again having gone back to their husband being beaten again. And he said what is it with these women? And the way they were structuring their thinking is well, he really loves me or I really love him or we really love each other that was what was keeping them coming back. It’s like they couldn’t reach the threshold, and by threshold I mean the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Where they fall out of love. So, he came up with the technique to help people fall out of love through studying people who are really good at that.

 

Aida: Okay, what technique is that? I don’t think I’ve ever heard this one. Just generally speaking…

 

Didi: So what he said was, the in which we structure our thinking is those situations aren’t occurring close enough together. And in a way it’s not like you’re seeing yourself being beaten larger than life in bright colors and moving like you know. So he said, you know, go back and look at all the bad events. And I don’t really recommend that people do this unless they do it with a professional because it can leave you in a bad place, if not done with a professional.  However, he said go back and look at all the bad events and unlike the way we did it with the other person, where we were having them shrink them down, he would say, make them larger than life put them in a movie and string them all together and keep looking at that until you reach threshold. And threshold is like, what the hell am I doing with this guy? Like why am I taking this? So, you can’t leave the time in between to recover.

 

Aida: So, let’s talk about that, the threshold, it’s almost like, yeah like you said the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Where at some point we all know in a situation where we’ve, could be even outside of a love relationship where you’re doing it-you’re doing it something is not working and boom, finally it’s like ok I’ve had enough, that’s it, and then that was the last piece of the puzzle.

 

Didi: Well, yeah. Well, what happens there, is finally your brain has made the connection that this is happened too many times and especially when those even start to happen closer and closer together and then that’s where the threshold, you go over threshold.

 

Aida: Now, I had an interesting thing happen with a friend of mine. It was a scenario where the man that she was with, basically his family didn’t like her, for whatever reason and they said if you marry her we are going disown you. And it was just a terrible scenario cause he loved her and she loved him. But basically, he was very connected to his family and he ended up saying listen I can’t marry you and she’s like well I can’t be with you. And I remember during that time she was so devastated but she would compound the problem by making him wrong for everything. Rather than having, sort of a sense of empathy, like what a horrible position to be in. Where you have to leave the person you love or your family is going to disown you, like it’s horrible.  So on top of the pain of you know just not being with him, she compounded it by having these thoughts around blaming him. He was a jerk, he was this, without empathy. So, what would your suggestion have been to her let’s say, from a mind strategy point of view.

 

Didi: Well that’s when we get stuck in the why.  Why did this happen, why me. Why just gets you stuck, the question is, how can I see this? How can I look at my part? How can I look at the others part? And how can I look at the combination of the two of us together and what made it not work?

 

Aida: Yeah, and also the blaming part just freaks me out. It’s like people blame other people all the time. I mean, really I was empathetic, this poor guy with a horrible position to be in. My family or your girlfriend that sucks.

 

Didi: Well she got hijacked by the hurt and out of hurt you’re not gonna come to a good place. You’re not gonna come to an objective place. So, we actually have a strategy for that.

 

Aida: And what’s that strategy?

 

Didi: Ok, so the strategy would be this.  You’ve got to take yourself outside of the situation. So, you’ve got to set your intention before you do this exercise to say I’m going step outside of this, I’m going look at this as a neutral observer.  Simply for the point of figuring out what I can learn from this experience. So, you literally step outside of it and you look in front of you and see the two of you in the relationship.

 

Aida: Okay. So, what Didi is talking about is called disassociated position. So, if you think  about yourself when you’re looking through your own eyes at something, like if you’re in a dream looking through your own eyes at something versus stepping outside of yourself and looking at yourself. So, that’s called disassociated position, ok.

 

Didi: Okay, so what you would do is, as though you would watch these two people in a movie together and you literally say I’m gonna watch these two people who happens to be yourself and the other, in a movie together. And watch it from a neutral point of view where you look at, for example you might look at your ex and say, okay now, what place was he acting out of? What was he missing in the relationship?  It could be he was missing empathy, maybe he was missing compassion, maybe he didn’t have communication skills. Ok that’s interesting, so he was missing these things that would have allowed him to be much better in the relationship. Then you’ve gotta look at yourself and you can say, ok what was the limitation in my behavior, what was I missing ? You know I was missing patience, or I was missing understanding or I too was missing communication skills. And then you look at the both of you and what was the result of the both of you acting from that un-resourceful place or that limitation in your behavior.  And when you see that, it gives you a broader perspective so you can step back and go, Ahhh ok, isn’t that interesting? So the two of us acting out of this place caused this. And then you can say ok, how can I learn to do to do this differently next time?

 

Aida: Yeah, I think the learning is so important, and I know in my own life like I’m fascinated by relationships, and by people and interaction. So, I always come from a place of learning around that

 

Didi: Right. You’ve got an interesting….. Aida and I we have so many conversations. They go long into the night, don’t they? Because they’re so fascinating.

 

Aida: Yeah and it’s funny because having gone through some interesting things over the last year myself in terms of relationships I’m always like calling my friends for some coaching route because for me it’s like, I  want to become a master of my mind and I have  in many areas in my life, I really have. And so, this is a new area I get to play with so Didi ran me through a few patterns.

 

Didi: You know what, I have to say this, Aida has the most interesting way of looking at, going through a breakup, right. Why don’t you tell them how you deal with it cause I have not met anybody who uses her strategy as well as she does. So, tell me how it is you view it. When you’re experiencing hurt, how you view that?

 

Aida: Well, the first thing I do is I try to come from a place of curiosity and fascination, which sounds crazy because like somebody hurts you that’s not normally where you come from. So, I’m like looking, going ok, what is going on here? Like, what is happening here? And I’m like curious to find out more about how it occurs for the other person and where they’re coming from, so I really am fascinated by that experience. And I actually look at it as an opportunity for learning. I know people talk about that, oh you should learn, you should learn but I’m really serious so I’m like oh my God, this is actually an opportunity for me to learn something profound that I would never  have had if this trauma and upset happens in my life. So. I really am quite fascinated by it in a way. It’s kind of… it’s interesting, but I am.

 

Didi: Yeah, so fascination is a much better approach than, oh why, why did this happen? Why did he do this?

 

Aida: Oh never, never I’d never think that.

 

Didi: Ok, so and the other words you use is I’m gonna play with this, I’m gonna play with this and see how I can go into this meeting with this person, and even though I may feel hurt, I’m gonna use this as an opportunity to challenge myself to get through it in a more positive and empowering way.

 

Aida: Yeah, and there is never self-blame. That’s the other thing I will say. People if you’ve broken up with somebody and they talk about, oh it makes you feel, worthless and this and that, especially if the person like has left you, if that’s the scenario but I never feel that way. I always think that, you know what, there’s two people that have to come in. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. If one person doesn’t like you for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter, there’s somebody else that will. And it’s always about I have contributed this or that, that may not have been the best way of handling it. But it’s not about self-blame. It’s about what have I learned, look at myself too, what did I contribute to this situation, like really. But without self-blame. That is the critical part to keep your power; your own self confidence and power. You can still learn without self-blame, would you agree with that?

 

Didi:  Yes, I would agree because that’s what life is all about is learning. And what I’ve noticed with Aida is she constantly is learning. Okay, how can I get through this and take it to the next level? Take it to the next level so that I’m not paralyzed by hurt, which you never are but still it’s a very interesting way that she deals with it and it has allowed her to, I would say rocket through this, like rocket through it.

 

Aidai: But I mean still there’s still hurt and pain there’s no doubt about it. But it’s like how quickly you do get through it…

 

Didi: And how are you gonna get through it. Yeah, so rather than being hijacked or paralyzed by it.

 

Aida: And also how it affects your self-esteem? That’s the thing is, I never allow it to affect my self-esteem. And believe me there are times when I do feel paralyzed in certain situations but the thing is, I think what I’m able to do is get out of it much quicker, faster, what is there to learn? Enough of this, let’s keep moving on and so without letting it affect my self-esteem.

 

 

Didi: Yes, because emotions it can hijack you. Especially the ones like; anger, hurt, resentment, things like this. Emotions are energy in motion. Energy in motion so, the thing is how can I get through this in the most effective way that allows me to continue to move forward in my life. It’s always about moving forward.

 

Aida:  Okay now so let’s talk about the grief process because you know there has been times in my life where if I’ve separated, a situation there’s grief around just losing the person. Even if it’s not a negative event, it’s just you know what, they’re going their way, I’m going my way and there’s grief like a loss. So how would you suggest that people deal with that portion of it?

 

Didi: Okay, so we talked about that strategy that the friend of ours had, and it was a very interesting strategy. And because our emotional brain tends to be more metaphoric and picture oriented and it’s not so rational; it’s not words a rational. We were fascinated by the way that this friend of ours dealt this.

 

Aida: Yes-yes, very interesting.

 

Didi: Okay, so what she did was, she said yes.

 

Aida: Well first of all just say she broke up with a significant person.

 

Didi: She broke up with a significant…..7 year relationship and she simply said I did this. Every night before I went to bed, I dreamt that he was in a coffin and I was looking at him in the coffin and then they closed the coffin and I felt the sadness and then they started to lower it down and I felt more sadness and then they threw the soil on it and I allowed myself to say, and she actually said herself you know, he’s gone. There’s nothing I can do about it, I have to accept this and move on. And she did that for 7 nights and after that  she was perfectly ok with it.

 

Aida: See that’s a very powerful strategy. And it’s not about it being negative with coffin she wanted him to die nothing like that

 

Didi: No, it wasn’t that. It was her representation of getting over grief.

 

Aida: That’s right, and that’s real interesting and with our brain we can come up with these different strategies in order to be able to do that.

 

Didi: It was a metaphor, it was metaphorical. So, it doesn’t mean like she’s wants the man to die. It just means this her way of letting go. This is the only way she knows how. And literally after 7 days she was done with it. She was really done. And the other thing that keeps us paralyzed is sometimes all the unanswered questions. Like how am I ever gonna have another relationship? There’ll never be someone like him or how will I find this again? Or how will I be on my own? And that’s what actually can keep us in relationships too is, more staying in a relationship out of fear of the unknown.

 

Aida: What are some powerful questions to ask yourself rather than those disempowering questions that people can ask themselves to help them move on in their relationship? Like, how many like I’m just thinking…

 

Didi: Well why not try answering those questions. Like, a lot of people think oh my God I’m so in love, there will never be anybody like him. Well the truth is, if you could manage meeting him, you’re gonna manage meeting somebody else and probably somebody else even better for you if you take the wisdom in the learnings from your last experience and sort of up your standards.

 

Aida: Yeah-yeah. And I think that’s the other thing in terms of my own belief systems, that it’s like sometimes it’s not meant to be in the sense that you’re not a fit and that’s what I’m talking about,  it’s not having self-blame. They just don’t fit or you don’t fit together. It’s not about bad or good, it’s just not a fit and that’s a metaphor I use for myself in terms of, it’s like a puzzle. The puzzle pieces don’t fit together and that’s ok.

 

Didi: And eventually that gets discovered. So, how quickly are you gonna move through that?

 

Aida: Yeah-yeah. So, last comment on how to get over an ex? Something else that you’d like to share that’s a powerful strategy before we wrap here on this very interesting podcast?

 

Didi: Well, I’d like to share a process that was actually originated by the heart math Institute. And that’s a way of getting through emotional things at the emotional level. Okay, so for example when it comes to love, we often get in a conflict, it’s a head heart conflict. I know I shouldn’t be with him but I really have these good feelings about and we go back and forth until we actually make ourselves crazy. So, when you do one of the heart math processes, which is getting into any core state emotion. What a core state of motion is, is a feeling of love, gratitude, joy.

 

Aida: That’s, that exercise you did with me. Whooo that was really powerful.

 

Didi: I did it with you, maybe you can share, when I give the strategy you can then share your experience because it was really interesting, the place Aida came to. So, when you get yourself in this state of mind, which is a mind-body state. What it actually does is it aligns your heart, your nervous system, your brain and all your organs and they begin to function in perfect synchrony or harmony. And that is that Xen state, and when we’re in that state that allows us to see things much differently. Again we talk about being hijacked by emotions versus seeing if from a different point of view. When you see it from this different point of view you come to greater understandings that feel good on the emotional level.

 

Aida: And just to comment on that, it’s when you’re in a position of love and gratitude. And what I mean by that, I know it’s an hairy fairy statement but actually when you actually concentrate on thinking love in terms of you know what, I love this person. Feeling love for them and trying to get over all the crap that you have in your head and the gratitude for the good things you experience with them. But you have to like, take a moment and really be in that place, it actually does shift. It decreases the pain like, I cannot tell you. But it not conscious you have to sit there, you have to be quiet, quiet your mind and just think of love. I’m going bring love to the situation. And you really have to, it takes something to do that. Like it really does and it is very powerful I can tell you from experience.

 

Didi: So did you want to share, because you came to some really profound understandings on that. Do you want to share just one of them with us?

 

Aida: Well just the fact that, it’s a different place of being in terms of who you are being with the other person. So it’s like, you are now controlling your feeling towards  him rather than being hijacked by the fact that they did this to you or they feel this or your blah blah blah blah blah all that stuff that goes on your head. So there’s been in situations where all I’ve done is like you know God I’m just going focus on love and the love that I have for this human being as a person. They’re not perfect, they may have done stuff and I’m just going be in tremendous gratitude for all the lessons that I have learned and my whole heart and being just takes a moment, it’s almost like a little meditation. And sometimes, my goodness it’s hard because especially, I’ve been very lucky I’ve had really wonderful men in my life but if you’ve had something where somebody’s cheated on you or lied, oh that’s hard to deal with let me tell you, for a lot of people. But it’s just like put that aside, and just see them as a human being that makes mistakes and just,  you choose love and it is extremely powerful. It decreases the pain like, nobody’s business let me tell you. I challenge you, if you’re in that position, try it, just take 5 mins and get to a place of love and gratitude.

 

Didi: And by the way, you may have used your specific ex to get in that state. It can be like I’m going to think of my daughter, I’m going to pick up my son, I’m going to think of my mother,  people who love me unconditionally doesn’t necessarily have to be your ex cause sometimes that can bring up mixed feelings. So, just the idea that you get into this mind-body state, will allow your heart, your brain your nervous system everything to synchronize up.

 

Aida: Yes. It’s about love and gratitude that’s one of the most powerful things you can do, come from Love and gratitude even when it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. Ok, thank you Didi , it’s great having you  here

 

Didi: You’re welcome.

 

Aida: Another edition of positive living come join us again.

 

Mike: Positive Living arrives to iTunes weekly be sure to subscribe and tell a friend. Visit positivelivingTV.com See you next time.

 

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